Is the End Finally in Sight?

This blog's reason for existence may soon be moot, because the Wayner's days with the Mets are apparently numbered. That's according to this New York Post column, which includes the following tidbit:

It’s doubtful Wayne Hagin will be back for a fifth year as Howie Rose’s partner in the Mets radio booth. Hagin’s contract has expired and WFAN has been interviewing possible replacements.

I'm going to try very hard not to get overly excited about this, since it isn't yet a done deal. But please, Santa, all I want for Christmas is a Wayner-free 2012. Fire Wayne Hagin Already!

September 6: Mets vs. Marlins

One of the most annoying habits Wayne's developed lately (or maybe he's had it all along and I only started noticing about two months ago) is the tendency to describe every non-fastball pitch as "little." For example:

• "That's that little cutter he throws."

• "He likes to drop that little curveball in there."

• "He's got that little change-up that really fools people."

• "The scoreboard says it was a cutter, but I think it was that little slider of his."

And so on. He never describes a fastball as little, and thankfully he doesn't describe R.A. Dickey's knuckleball that way either. But any other pitch -- it's little this, little that, always said with an air of mischief, sort of like describing a pitcher as "a crafty lefty." In other words, it's a rhetorical crutch that doesn't really mean anything, especially when Wayne employs it literally dozens of times during a single game.

Anyway, tonight the use of "little" reached new heights, or depths, as the Marlins brought a pitcher named Steve Cishek into the game. Cishek has a sidearm motion, so Wayne was probably going to end up saying something like, "There's that little sidearm motion of his," or "He's got that little submarine pitch." But Wayne was bursting with so much enthusiasm that he couldn't wait that long! As Cishek was warming up, Wayne described him as "a little submariner."

For the record: Steve Cishek is 6'5".

Just another day at the office for MLB's least qualified broadcaster. Fire Wayne Hagin already!

September 5: Mets vs. Marlins

The Mets, like most teams, have several short, sponsored segments during the lead-up to the start of the game, one of which is "Tonight's Pitching Match-up." It's basically an excuse to run another commercial, and it should be the easiest part of any broadcaster's job. You've known for days who the starting pitchers will be, and you've been at the ballpark for several hours, so you've had plenty of time to prepare. "Tonight's Pitching Match-up" should be something you've scripted beforehand -- either on paper or at least in your head -- so you sound smart and smooth when you deliver it.

And then there's Wayne.

Chris Capuano was making the start for the Mets on Monday night, and here's how Wayne set the stage for us:

Capuano has one of the most [confused pause] important and maybe roughest, uh, assignments you can think of for a pitcher. He is making his 10th start over the last five, including tonight, five of the ten, exactly half of those, are against the Florida Marlins. So both sides know [long pause] he knows what they like, and they know what he pitches.

Read that out loud. Go on -- hear just how bad it really is.

Wayne's basic point here wasn't bad -- a pitcher facing the same team for the fifth time in ten starts is definitely unusual (it was no doubt in the game notes distributed to all the media before the game), and it probably does put the pitcher at a competitive disadvantage. But he garbled the point so badly that the casual listener might think that (a) this was a very important start for Capuano (there are no important starts for journeymen pitchers on also-ran teams in September) or (b) Capuano's familiarity with the Marlins' hitters would offset their familiarity with him (unlikely, and definitely not the point he meant to make).

The thing is, anyone can garble a point in the middle of a game, while live action is taking place. But it takes a very special talent to mess up something like "Tonight's Pitching Match-up" -- a segment that any junior high intern could have prepared for and delivered more effectively than Wayne did.

In a nation full of unemployed people, surely there's someone -- or many thousands of someones -- who could do this guy's job better than he does it. Fire Wayne Hagin already!

September 3: Mets vs. Nationals

I only caught a teeny bit of this game, but it included the bottom of the 6th, when Danny Herrera came in to pitch. As Wayne noted (accurately!), this was Herrera's second appearance for the Mets. He had recorded the final out of the previous night's game.

Herrera entered with two men on base and started things off by throwing a pitch to Ivan Rodriguez. Wayne reported that it was a curveball, noted the pitch speed, and then added, "He's not going to overpower you." Of course, no pitcher has ever "overpowered" anyone with a curveball -- it's not a power pitch.

On the next pitch, Rodriguez bounced into an inning-ending double play, which prompted the following Wayne's Whopper™:

Boy, Herrera has been great in his two outings so far for the Mets. He has three outs in just two-thirds of an inning. Tonight he gets a double play on just one pitch!

Now, recording three outs in two-thirds of an inning would be a pretty neat trick (although not quite as neat as having an imbecile broadcasting the games of an MLB team in the nation's biggest media market). Two-thirds of an inning means, by definition, that you have recorded two outs. What Wayne probably meant is that Herrera has recorded three outs while facing only two batters. But as is so often the case, his brain wrote a check that his mouth couldn't cash. Like I've been saying all along, this is minor league stuff. It wouldn't fly in Kansas City, much less New York.

Then there's the notion that Herrera had recorded the double play "on just one pitch." This is after Wayne had specifically gone out of his way to note the speed of the previous pitch. But as usual, facts mean little to the Wayner.

Does anyone know when this guy's contract is up? Fire Wayne Hagin already!

August 10: Mets vs. Padres

Must … not … waste … so much time … on … Wayne … Ah, it's no use. Wayne is so consistently awful, and keeps finding so many new ways to top himself, that there's simply no way to avoid writing about him. It's like trying not to look at a car crash. Even if you put blinders on, you still end up rubbernecking.

He came up with a certified Wayne's Whopper™ in the bottom of the 2nd of Wednesday night's Mets/Pads game. Howie Rose was running down the scores of other games and mentioned that Dan Uggla had already singled in his first at-bat, extending his hitting streak to 31 games. That prompted following comment from Wayne:

"Wherever he is, maybe Luis Castillo's starting to get a little nervous, because he has the club record for the Marlins, at 35 in a row."

Now, that's not a bad line, especially since any mention of Castillo is bound to get a rise out of Mets fans. Plus it shows the Wayner was doing his homework. He must have looked up the Marlins' franchise-record hitting streak before the game and had the Castillo quip ready. Good job!

Just one problem: Dan Uggla doesn't play for the Marlins anymore. He was traded to Atlanta last November and has been racking up that hitting streak for the Braves.

Somebody must have whispered something about this in Wayne's ear, because a minute later he tried to save face, thusly: "I make that reference to Uggla and Castillo simply because they're probably the two most prominent -- you know, Marlins second basemen. Of course, Uggla's doing that with Atlanta, but you get the drift."

The drift, of course, is that Wayne put both feet in his massive mouth yet again. By now he must be very accustomed to the taste of his own shoe leather.

Incidentally, the Braves' franchise hitting streak record is held by Tommy Holmes, at 37 games. The reason I know that is that Howie Rose -- who sits right next to Wayne -- has mentioned it several times during Uggla's streak.

Poor Howie. His head must be about ready to explode. Mine sure is. Fire Wayne Hagin already!

July 25, Mets vs. Reds

Among all of Wayne's many, many annoying tropes, the oddest one is his completely massive (and completely obvious) man-crush on Reds third baseman Scott Rolen. It doesn't matter if Rolen is playing in the game that Wayne's announcing, or even if he's in the same time zone. Some random player hits a home run and Wayne will say, "You know who really knows how to do a home run trot the right way? Scott Rolen." Someone is forced out at second and Wayne will say, "You know who really knows how to break up that double play? Scott Rolen." Someone picks his nose and Wayne will say, "You know who would never disrespect the game like that? Scott Rolen." It gets to the point where you wish Wayne would just make out with the guy at second base and be done with it.

The Mets are in Cincy tonight, but Rolen is on the DL, so I figured we might get a break from all the Rolen love. Shows what I know. During the top of the 3rd, Howie Rose mentioned that Rolen was injured, which sent Wayne off on this stemwinder about how Rolen has had so many shoulder problems that he (meaning Rolen, but probably Wayne too) is worried that it might mean the end of his career. The key quote was a certifiable Wayne's Whopper™: "He's had those shoulder problems forever, in his heart and soul."

No, you moron, he's had them IN HIS SHOULDER.

And to think I was doing such a good job of staying away from this blog this season. Fire Wayne Hagin already!

April 14: Mets vs. Rockies, 1st Game

Great Wayner moment a few minutes ago in the top of the 6th: A fly ball sails over Scott Hairston's head and Wayne says, "What you almost just saw there was [long pause, as he searches for the right term] an optical illusion."

In other words, what you DID just see was, uh, reality.

Except you didn't actually see any of it, because you're listening to the radio.

Fire Wayne Hagin already!

April 11, Mets vs. Rockies

Long time no see.

Honestly, I wasn't planning on firing up this blog again, not even after the Wayner opened his first 2011 spring training broadcast by saying the Mets had just had "a tremendous off-season." I figured I had made my point last year and was just gonna let Wayne be his incompetent self without drawing any further attention to his many, many faults.

But just when I thought I was out, Wayne pulls me back in. Such was the case last night.

The scene: Bottom of the 7th, Josh Thole batting. He grounds out to Troy Tulowitzki, who guns him out with a strong overhand throw. That prompts Wayne to give us the following analysis:

That's the difference between a Jose Reyes and a Troy Tulowitzki -- Tulowitzki comes right over the top. Now, the Mets very early in Jose Reyes's career tried to alter his throwing style, because he's such a natural, coming from the Dominican Republic, and that's how he learned, is to throw kinda three-quarter, almost sidearm at times. And, quite frankly [pregnant pause], he hurt his arm. His shoulder. And the Mets said, "Just do it any way you want." And that's what Reyes does.

Now, I'm not the biggest Mets fan on the entire planet, but I follow the team pretty closely and am reasonably knowledgeable about the players, and I can tell you I have no memory of the Mets tinkering with Jose Reyes's throwing motion, or of Reyes ever having come down with an arm injury.

The Mets did once try to alter Reyes's running style, tinkering with his stride, because he was having ankle and hamstring problems, but the new style ended up giving him leg cramps, so they eventually let him go back to his usual running style. And they did once try to make him a second baseman, which was a fiasco. But a change in his throwing motion, with a resultant shoulder injury? That was news to me.

But hey, maybe I was just having brain-lock, right? So I started googling, trying to find any evidence of this throwing episode. Nothing. Then I checked with a bunch of serious Mets fans and bloggers to get their take -- none of them had ever heard of this supposed shoulder injury.

Finally, I checked with someone who I won't embarrass by naming him here, but let's just say he's one of the top living authorities on Mets history and goings-on. His response: "My recollection is exactly the same as yours."

So did Wayne just make this up? Maybe, although I think it's more likely that he's confusing the altered running style and the leg cramps with an altered throwing motion that was never taught and an injury that never happened.

Hey, arms, legs -- they're all limbs, right? What's the diff?

And so let the full-throated call echo once more throughout the land: Fire Wayne Hagin already!