August 1st: Diamondbacks vs. Mets

Thankfully, I only caught a small portion of today's game, a 14-1 drubbing at the hands of the D-backs. But I heard the entire 3rd inning in my car, and that was enough time for Wayne to have me screaming at my car radio. Here are his latest lowlights:

• Top of the 3rd, 0 out, Stephen Drew batting: "Swing and a fly ball hit down the left field line, and right there is Jesus Feliciano. Drifts over into foul ground [crowd cheers] and makes the catch! That ball tailing just ever so slightly away from him. He was already positioned almost on the line for Stephen Drew, and as that ball continued to carry on him, he reached into it and [slight pause] powdered his right shoulder right into that padded wall as he made the catch. Very good play by Jesus Feliciano."

Note how this began as a routine play -- Feliciano was "right there," a proverbial can o' corn. Then Feliciano was "drift[ing]" a bit, and then somehow the play morphed into a circus catch, as Feliciano "powdered" his shoulder into the wall. Nice job, Wayner. Just how does one "powder" one's shoulder, by the way?

• Top of the 3rd, after Daniel Hudson grounds out to end the inning: "Great pitching by Niese. Also great pitching [very slight pause] and defense behind him."

Yup, that pitcher sure had some great pitching behind him. The great thing here is the tiny pause, indicating that Wayne realized the mistake as he made it, with his inner Homer Simpson no doubt emitting a loud, "D'oh!" Bet that guy gets paid a lot of overtime.

• Bottom of the 3rd, Jon Niese batting, 3-2 count: "Swing and a miss, as Niese went after a pitch shoulder-high, and that is the second strikeout of the game for Daniel Hudson. Tell you what: David Wright and now Jon Niese have both struck out on high pitches. It must look very inviting, but that ball exploding on them."

Oh, Wayner. You just said yourself that it was only Hudson's second strikeout of the game. If he really had such an inviting put-away pitch, wouldn't he have notched more than two Ks during his first time through the order? Secondly, Wright's strikeout was two innings prior to Niese's -- those are pretty distant dots to connect. And most importantly, Jon Niese is a pitcher -- he can't hit for shit! How can you make any inferences regarding a pitcher's stuff based on how the opposing pitcher fares against him?!

And you thought Ollie Perez was the one stealing money from the Wilpons. Nuh-uh -- it's Wayner. Fire Wayne Hagin already!